A 40 min chat with a cab driver that shows why we need Women’s Day

It was an average Women’s Day for me: WhatsApp forwards and brands trying to capitalise on the day by offering deals and discounts. Until I got into a cab to get back home.

It was around 9:40PM when I booked my cab. My cab driver was unable to find my location initially, so he called me and went on to shout when he continued having difficulty finding me. A few directions later, I finally found him and got into the cab.

We fixed our discomfort with some humour, and he was apologetic about shouting at me, saying he was tired working from 4:00 in the morning. The conversation started with him asking me where I was from, and eventually moved on to him telling me he had 2 sons and 1 daughter. He said that he was working hard for his daughter’s wedding and once that was done, he would finally be able to relax.

Naturally, the question I asked him next was whether his daughter’s marriage was fixed. He said, “No, she is 16 now, but we have already started getting a lot of rishtas(Arranged marriage offers) for her.” I was surprised when he said 16; I said, “You should let her study now, this is the time for education”.

“Humare ghar me ladkiyo ko padhate nahin” — “We don’t teach girls in our house”. He looked dead faced at me, catching my eyes through the rear view mirror. His response took me by surprise. He said she had scored 76% in SSLC(10th Grade) and gotten many calls from colleges for further studies, but he declined those. “My daughter is very beautiful, she has taken after my grandmother”, he said. “When we go to family functions, there is always someone asking for her hand. I am scared to send her for studies because of this. From Nursery to 10th, I have been dropping her and picking her up from school every single day. I don’t want her to hang around with other girls, because their company might influence her in a bad way. I don’t want her to have any boyfriends. At this age, girls are very innocent and might fall in the trap of a guy. You can’t trust guys these days — it’s not safe these days. They stalk until the girl says yes, and I don’t want my daughter to fall into any of this — at this age they just want a boyfriend, they don’t see anything —religion, caste, age.”

“Woh porky ladke, picha nahi chodthe” — “Those hooligan boys, they don’t stop chasing after girls.” This would have been one thing I agreed with him on. Yes, it is sometimes unsafe for a girl on the streets. However, his reasoning was that because of these boys, he didn’t want her to get an education. According to him, her stepping out to study would increase her chances of getting a boyfriend. “What is the need of education, she has to take care of the house ultimately”, he said.

I knew I couldn’t start a full fledged debate with him in the cab because my primary purpose at around 10:30 in the night was to reach home safely. I put out my thoughts with some delicately worded arguments.

I explained that it was important for a girl to be financially independent. To which he promptly said, “Auratain ghar ki char deewaron me hi achi lagti hain, aur bachho ko godh me liye achi lagti hain” — “Women look good within the four walls of a house, and when they have a kid on their lap”. I knew at this point that nothing I could say would convince him otherwise, so I decided to listen to him and understand what was really in his mind. He really opened up then when I didn’t say anything in retaliation.

“We don’t let the women of our house out, and even if they do, they have to step out in a Burqa and with a man.” he went on to say proudly. He felt there was no need for a woman to work, as it was the man’s responsibility to provide for the family. He said the woman can work if there is a financial problem in the household, but only with the permission of her husband. “Jhopdi me bhi zindagi kar lete hain log, Madam” — “People make a life in huts too”, he said, justifying that there was no need for a woman to work.

I explained how we don’t work just for the money, but for fulfilment and self-respect. He said, yes, that is a good thing, but again, only if the husband permits it.

“What if the husband abandons the wife and family, what is she supposed to do then?”, I asked with curiosity in my voice, and no hint of resentment at all. I was growing hungry for what he thought.

We passed by a chicken shop, where he slowed down the car to show me that he owned it. He pointed to the man at the cash till, “There, he’s my younger brother.” It was his last ride of the day and the algorithm had routed him to a destination closest to his house. “We stay in this street”, he pointed and said happily.

“Marriage is like an exam”, he continued to answer my question. “In an exam, you prepare for the different sections. Marriage is similar to that. You don’t know what will come, but it’s the wife’s responsibility to study her husband and know what he needs and provide it accordingly. She has to be prepared for all the roles, that of a wife, daughter-in-law, mother. She should make sure her husband is never angry at her, then why will he ever leave her?” He regretted the current state of the family where the wife went to work and left the baby in the care of a nanny. “Only a mother knows what the child is crying for, even the father doesn’t know this. She should take care of the kids, and not go out and work.”

I was glad that I was getting closer to home. I knew my patience would only sustain me so much. “Pehle ghar ka kaam sikhana, khana banana sikhana. Bachho ko kya acha lagta woh khilana, mard ko kya acha lagta woh khilana” — “First we should teach the girl house work and cooking.” I thought about how I would get back home and make some Maggi for myself, because that is the range of kitchen skills I possess.

He was so engrossed in the conversation, that he forgot to take the left turn to my house. I was partly glad he didn’t, so he wouldn’t know my exact location. He said he hoped that I hadn’t felt bad about anything. I said I didn’t, even though I did feel bad about many things. I said I would pray for his daughter to get married into a nice family and be happy. He thanked me saying, “Dua se badhkar aur kuch nahi” — “There is nothing greater than blessings.”

Happy Women’s Day to me I thought, as I got out of the cab and walked home. I thought about his daughter — I didn’t know what she wanted. Did she want to study? Did she want to get married? Did she want to work? I knew she didn’t have a choice, but I hoped that she would be happy and that things would turn out well.

I thought about how privileged I was, that as a child growing up, I never had to hear that women looked good within the four walls of a house. I could chose the walls that I wanted to see myself in — I could chose to be within school walls and office walls. I could also choose to jump over the walls of my home and travel where I wanted to. I could also climb up the ladder and have big dreams. His house was not far from mine, but his daughter’s life and mine were far from close.

I also realised how distant we are from the ground reality. While we are fighting against gender pay gaps and biases against women, there is a whole world out there that isn’t even allowed to take the first step and obtain an education.

We don’t need discounts on Women’s Day. We don’t need gifts and chocolates at work. We don’t need Spa deals. We don’t need cheesy Whatsapp image forwards that would be the nightmare of any graphic designer.

What we need is equal opportunity and respect. An equal opportunity to study as much as an equal opportunity to be in the boardroom. We need more women in leadership roles so his daughter, and many like her, have examples to take inspiration from and put up a resistance. These are small steps that we have to take together.

Women deserve safe spaces inside and outside their home to do the things they want to. We need to feel safe going to school without the fear of boys harassing us on the way. We need to feel safe in the office without the fear of men making sexual comments about us. We need to feel safe doing mundane things like buying groceries or going to gym without the fear of men catcalling us or staring at us. We need safe spaces so parents don’t have this as an excuse to not send their daughters to school.

His daughter might not be able to ask for an education today, but if she were to have a daughter, she would perhaps encourage her to study and work.

This is the hope we can work towards together, on this Women’s Day, and all the days coming after it.

Photo Credits

• Photo by Tōbít Πazar from Pexels
• Photo by suzukii xingfu from Pexels